Archive for July, 2009

I Likes Wine I Does!

yummy yummy yummy!
bottles of wine in my tummy!
red wine or white
i don’t give a shite
if you get me drunk
I’ll think you’re a hunk
i like every type
so give it some hype

Thanks for the free wine and

Hope you like my mini Poem, as you can tell it took me all of 30 seconds to write!

The reason for my crap poem is that a friend of mine who owns both and sent myself and the bossman Mark some win to taste, although I haven’t seen it yet, I am told it looks like the below picture and is in the office somewhere… GIVE ME THE WINE MARK!!!

Thanks Fraser!


Meet Mr. Tinker

Mr. Tinker is the latest edition to Chez Swift. Born at approx. 6am 17/5/2009 he came to live with me and Monkey just over a week ago! He comes from Emma and Jason Brockman’s (of Easy Content Unit fame) cat Deliah.

You can see Tinker here in his first picture, he is the one 2nd in from mummy cats back leg. with the white neck. Emma was great and put plenty of pics on facebook for myself and the other new kitten owners to swoon over.

So Tinker came home last Friday night after me getting lost many many times trying to get to Jason and Emma’s house! He settled straight in and was Mr brave, jumping on everything, sniffing everything and running up and down the stairs! He can almost always be found fighting feathers or purring, his 2 favourite things! Or walking over my laptop!

Tinker and Monkey didnt exactly get on, infact its only now, 8 days later that they are beginning to like each other. Monkey just growled and hissed at him, never going to strike him, just angry sounds, so Monkey had to go outside at nights and was under parental control for sometime.

Here are some more pictures of him looking very cute!!!

Here are Tinker’s favourite things;
Feathers – any type or colour, they are fun to chase
Monkey’s tail – another great toy
Food – human or kitten, he’ll eat it – including attempts at curry… strange
Sleep – he occassionally sleeps, but dont move or make noise, he’ll wake up
Purring – he is a very happy kitty
Climbing – especially the backs of my legs
Me – he likes me, i provide all of the above

Tinker is very special, he had 6 toes (, the pads on his paws are a mix of pink and black and he has black bits on his lips too – you can see it on the pictures, it looks like he has black lippy on and is pouting!

Anyone who meets Mr. Tinker will fall madly in love and may try to steal him, but he is mine all mine! mwah ha ha

Single Again :(

Yip, i’m back on the market! So no need for these anymore…

I am accepting offers for dates or blind dates. Feel free to comment here…

How To Fart Discreetly On Trains

farting trainsBit of a weird one I know, but after spending a total of 10 plus hours on trains this past weekend and being fed more bacon and mushroom and various other wind producing foods, obviously farts were due to occur.

As a ‘lady’ I probably shouldnt be discussing such matters on here, but farts are amusing!

So how to fart discreetly on trains;

1) Rustle a packet
2) cough
3) make a phone call
4) hope for a silent one

So there you go, this was for Tom Quinn of ipoints fame. Love ya Tom (aka Dad)

train fart

Laura and Richards Wedding

On Friday afternoon I set off on my almost 6 hour journey back up north to meet my Nephew. I hadn’t been home for well over a year, and in that time much had changed, not least the colour of my mums hair! By the time I got home I was starving… It was £1.30 for a 330ml bottle of ribena and £1 for crisps, so i grumbled alot and refused to spend anymore money. Needless to say mother had picked up on my grumbles on twitter and facebook and had a good spread on for me when i arrived. The journey itself was fairly uneventful apart from a snoring crisp eating man who I took pictures of to prove to Heggerz that he was real, some people falling asleep around me and dribbling. Then some crazy bike mad guys who got on with Burger King and immediately began discussing all things bike ride-ish. One of them was banging on about a looming trip to Santorini, and had been told not to take children, I of course informed him about the donkeys and gave a big plug!

The Friday night soon went and it was bed time. I’m having problems sleeping on my own bed at the moment, so mainly sleep on the sofa as its sooo comfy, so when faced with the same sort of bed at my parents I knew it was going to be an interesting few nights sleep. Needless to say I slept badly and woke thinking I had been kicked in the back. Luckily mum had made breakfast and Dad was on cuppatea duties! A spot of morning TV and a bath later and it was time to get ready for the wedding.

Laura and Richard met in 2000, and own a house so we were all chuffed that they finally made things ‘official’ – any excuse for a party! The wedding was at a little church in a small country village, where they live called Tansley. I sat with my Grandma and great Aunty Peggy or Leggy as she is more fondly known. Not one of us had glasses with us so we were all blind to the little service booklet, and as for singing the hymns, we sang ‘Derby County’ instead! I’d done the dutiful Grandaughter thing and taken lots of pictures for my Grandma, and she revealed some way through that un bewnowns to Laura, one of the hymns she had chosen was actually sung at my Grandma and Grandads wedding many years ago.

I should mention at this point that outside the Church waiting to go in, I met Zak. He was asleep and despite my pleas, Darren (my brother) would not wake him up to meet me. Zak gurns in his sleep and makes almost snoring noises, so I was loving that. Anyone who knows me, knows I am famous for my pliable face, especially after a few drinkies! Zak is gorgeous and from the top lip up looks like Darren and from the top lip down looks like Steph.

So the wedding was lovely and emotions were running high. We then returned to county Hall in Matlock for the reception and some boozeeee (champers and oj)! Zak had decided when we were supposed to be having pics taken that he needed the loo, so unfortunately we missed our pic. But there were plenty taken and Laura looked incredible, she had done her own makeup and it would put the professionals to shame!!! Her dress was the perfect dress for her and she really was radiant. As was my Auntie Margaret who took her place as mother of the Bride perfectly, she was understated, elegant and yet still glamorous.

After the pics we went up for dinner, and it was perfect for me. Tomato soup to start, roast beef dinner with yorkie puds then apple pie and custard. A proper northern dinner. The wine was also flowing and as the only one on the table who drank rose wine, the waitress bought me a straw and off I went! After the dinner we were all asked to go outside so that they could change all the tables round for the evenings entertainment. Some of my family went home to change and to meet other family members and I stayed on to finish my wine.

Just after 8pm there was the first dance and then the band started playing. It was a local band as I recognised some of the people in it from school, but they were really good. During the band Zak reappeared and eventually woke up, so I got my first cuddle! What a little gem, proper fidget but beautiful. He likes being talked to so obviously I told him all about his Daddy! And his grandparents. I was ordered to give him to others for a cuddle :( which I wasnt happy about, but I did get him back abit later on.

Me, Dad and Mum left about half eleven after we decided mother had had one too many. So we took her home, put her to bed and watched the tour de France!

All in all it was a really great wedding, lots of emotions, I even shed a tear over Zak and lots of booze, not forgetting the wedding cake that wasnt cake at all but chocolate torte! OMG that was good! Laura and Richard set off on a dream honeymoon to an exclusive resort in the Bahamas then to florida and miami. I hope they have a fantastic 2 weeks and thanks again for inviting me, feeding me and plying me with booze! Oh and thanks for giving me the opportunity to watch Uncle Glyn dad dance to MJ and abba, he had a permanent grin on his face, hilarious!